I feel like I do my best to lead with my heart – It feels good to me and the choices I make feel good when I do. When this is done over and over and over again, it becomes habit and before you know it you are living a heart-centered lifestyle. For me, this is the best because within that, you are not the only one who feels it, everyone else who comes in contact with you or enters your space feels it too.
Life just flows, it feels…well,…. it feels good.
Then it happens. The call. The text – or these days, the Facebook post. Accusations that come along with a automatic verdict of guilty for something horrible you assumabley “said or did.”
The text popped-up on my phone and I felt it happen in a millisecond. My stomach wrenched and my heart pounded through my chest. My hands shook uncontrollably and I was fuming. I couldn’t think straight. My blood was boiling so bad that I couldn’t even kick out a coherent sentence. Oh, Mr. Ego…you are one big, hairy, nasty, blood-thirsty, revenge-seeking kill-em-all, son-of-a-bitch aren’t you?
Mine is anyway. Who is that guy? Where the heck does he come from and how does he overtake me so quickly?
I hadn’t done the horrible thing that I was being accused of. As a matter of fact, I did the exact opposite. I had taken the high road.
See, that’s when it can hurt the most though, when the lie or attack is the polar opposite of the person you are and the person who you are making it a concerted effort to become.
I realize that when this happens, I have an innate need to always explain myself. A need to always make it known that I’m the good guy. To make the other person see that I operate from my heart and to ensure that they always see me in that light. This bleeds into many areas of my life, like remaining friends with ex-girlfriends. (Which my wife doesn’t understand)
Something inside of me just can’t handle the thought of someone thinking badly of me. There’s this overwhelming desire to correctly explain away even the slightest perception of ill intent on my part.
Maybe it’s pride.
Maybe it’s ego.
I really don’t know what it is.
What I do know is that it can fucking run me.
It can knock me out of my flow and it creates thoughts in me that most definitely don’t come from a place of love, to say the least.
There’s a quote that says, “Live your life in such a way that if someone spoke badly of you, no one would believe them.” I get that, and it’s a great way to live since actions are what truly show people who you are.
But what if the people who are hearing bad things about me have never met me?
They won’t know it’s not true! Oh my G-d.
The horror. The horror of someone who has never met me – and may never – thinking that I’m not a good person…..
It sounds so silly, but inside me it feels so real. If it feels real, it is real. Right?
In one such situation I went above and beyond, bent over backwards and even made bad business decisions for myself and my family to ensure that people didn’t think badly of me. I gave more than I could give – or maybe should have given – so that I could lay my head down on the pillow at night and know that I “did the right thing.” I did this even with droves of trusted mentors telling me that I had done enough already and to cut it off.
Yet I persisted, even through vicious and very public character attacks. I persisted.
I guess I did it because I had to feel like I was being heart-centered. I thought I must keep the person in my life even though the feelings surrounding the situation made me feel bad. Every time. Or maybe because to stop giving and completely sever ties just felt so damn permanent. What If I see that person in the grocery store? Won’t it be awkward?
I guess I felt I was above that.
I felt like I could be the bigger man. The bigger person who can go through any challenge/situation and still be thought of in high regard.
Part of me knew I should not still be connected to this person/situation but my mind rationalized it and gave me all kinds of reasons why I still could…or even better, why I still SHOULD.
Reading those horrible words sent me into a tailspin through darkness – but within that darkness, I found the light.
Finally. Finally I had the answer. The reason why it needs to be done and over with for good. The answer was so simple that it’s really quite stupid that it didn’t dawn on me before.
The answer that can solve so many of our questions about a certain situation or person in our lives.
Why should it be done, blocked out, released and over with?
Because it doesn’t make me feel good.
Maybe we all need to listen to our emotional barometer a little more often.
I’m not saying not to love. I’m saying that sometimes – and maybe just for a season – some people are better loved from a distance.